Second Time Around
 Like
Izzy and Lisa in Rules for Life I like thrift
stores, second hand shops and consignment stores. For me it’s not just about
saving money, although I am, well, cheap. Prowling around a used clothing or furniture
store is like going on a treasure hunt. I never know what I’m going to find.
“Do you really wear the things you buy in there?” someone once
asked me. “Other people have worn it.” Uh huh. I wear what I buy.
I use what I buy. Which brings me to my first rule.
1.If it doesn’t wash, don’t buy it.
If it can’t go in my washing machine with lots of hot water and soap, in
the case of clothing, or in my bathtub with lots of Mr. Clean, in the case of
everything else, I don’t buy it.
I’ve broken that rule only twice. Once for my black, fun fur jacket.
Once for a pair of grey, virgin wool pants. In the case of the jacket I broke
my own rule because the price was so good and I wanted it so much. I dropped the
jacket at the dry cleaner on the way home from the store.
As for the pants, they seemed to be brand new, they were my size, they were
three dollars, and I needed a pair of dress pants in a hurry. Again, they got
dropped at the cleaners on the way home.
2. Check everything.
Look over every seam for holes, every hem, cuff and collar for wear. Make sure
the zipper works. It’s nice if a shirt or sweater has all its buttons but
not essential. Buttons can be replaced very inexpensively. I bought a shirt once
just to get the flower buttons to put on something else.
3. Know your measurements and carry a measuring tape.
Not every thrift store has changing rooms and sometimes you may not want to try
something on before you’ve washed it. Plus a size 10 by one manufacturer
may not be the same as a size 10 by another. (This is especially annoying with
respect to children’s clothes.)
4. Know your dirt.
It would be nice if everyone made sure what they sent to a second hand or thrift
shop was freshly washed. (Consider this a hint.) And most people do. But sometimes
you’ll find just what you want is a little grubby. Or even a lot dirty,
once in a while.
Take a close look at the dirt. Is it just dirt? Not something greasy, not a
stain. Plain old dirt will come out in the laundry. Anything else I don’t
take a chance on. I do know several thrifters who use everything from spray stain
removers, to dish washer detergent, to an old fashioned scrub brush and a bar
of yellow laundry soap with at least some success.
5. Give back.
Think about your local Salvation Army store, Goodwill, church or charity next
time you have a pile of things you’re not using. Please make sure everything
is clean and works. Clothing should be gently worn. That means those sweat pants
with the baggy knees and the paint stains go in the garbage, but the yellow sweater
you never wore because it makes you look like your liver is failing might look
great on someone else. Like me.
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
Montreal
 Saving
Grace isn’t set in Montreal. But Montreal is where Evie decides to go
in the book, to start a new life with her boyfriend, Justin, and their baby.
Why Montreal? If I was ever going to run off and start a new, exciting life
I’d either go to Paris or Montreal. For me, there’s something glamorous
about both cities. And since Montreal is much closer and since I’ve actually
been there, that’s where I decided Evie would want to go as well.
Jacques Cartier arrived in Montreal—it wasn’t called that then—in
1535, but First Nations people had been in the area for thousands of years before
Cartier. If you’d like to learn more about the city visit the Tourisme-Montreal
website.
http://www.tourisme-montreal.org/B2C/00/default.asp
(This site is in English. There’s a French version as well.)
If I’m looking for ways to avoid writing Chapter 12, or sticking in all
the commas in left out of the first draft of a manuscript, I go over to the Montreal
webcam site. http://www.montrealcam.com/
Click on Biodome to see the penguins.
There’s the Superbowl in football, the Stanley Cup playoffs in hockey,
American Idol, Canadian Idol and who know how many more versions of the competition
world-wide for would-be singers. Did you know there’s a competition for
fireworks? It takes place every summer in Montreal. The Montreal International
Fireworks competition is a mix of pyrotechnics and music, with companies competing
from around the world. Displays take place Wednesdays and Saturdays beginning
June 20 and running through July 28. http://www.internationaldesfeuxloto-quebec.com/en/
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
Saint John
Rules for Life is not set in Saint John. In fact if you read the book you’ll notice I never actually name the city where the story takes place. But I did go to school in Saint John and the unnamed city in Rules was inspired by that city.
Saint John, New Brunswick, is Canada’s oldest incorporated city, founded in 1785 with a strong Loyalist heritage. Visit Tourism Saint John to learn more about the city and plan a visit.
The New Brunswick Museum is one of my favorite places in Saint John, especially the Hall of Great Whales.
The Imperial Theatre boasts that it’s one of the busiest live performance venues in Atlantic Canada. The original Imperial Theatre was completed in 1913. By 1929 it had become a movie theatre. From 1957 to 1982 the building was home to the Full Gospel Assembly. But by 1994 the Imperial had been restored to its original elegance and is home to a variety of live performances each year—from concerts to elaborate stage productions.
And Saint John is also home to my beloved Saint John High School Vita Vitalis—A Life Worthwhile.
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
Do
You Have Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption
 Most
of the time I don’t mind talking about adoption. Most of the time I enjoy
it. (I get to talk about my kid a little—which I never get tired of. I get
to get up on my soapbox—which makes me look taller.) What I don’t
like is some of the questions I’m asked. Now, I’m willing to concede
that most people who ask insensitive questions don’t know how, well, rude,
they’re being. So, here’s a list of what not to say.
1. Do you have any real kids?
She is real. She’s not imaginary or stuffed. If you’d like to know
if I have any more children then ask that question. If you ask if I have any biological
children I’ll probably say, “Not that I know of.”
2. Does she know she’s adopted?
She’s Asian. Someone once described me as “whiter than a loaf of Wonder
Bread™.” How the heck would we be able to keep her adoption a secret?
Not that we want to. Being adopted isn’t something to hide. It’s just
another way of making a family.
3. Do you know anything about her real mother?
I’m her real mother. (I’m not invisible or imaginary.) I’ve
been there for every wonderful moment and every bad one since she was thirteen
months old. The munchkin’s other mother is her birth mother, her biological
mother. (She’s real too, by the way.)
4. Why did her mother give her away?
This is the question most likely to get you the evil eye and get me up on my soapbox.
My daughter is a child, not a shirt that didn’t fit. She wasn’t “given
away.” Almost every mother who puts a child up for adoption anguishes over
her decision. She chooses adoption because she believes that it’s the best
choice for her baby. She doesn’t give her child away. She places her child
for adoption and she doesn’t stop loving her or thinking about her.
Keep in mind most of us are happy to talk about adoption and our kids. But
if you think your question might be insensitive. It probably is.
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
Chinese
New Year
The Chinese New Year is also called the Lunar New Year. Celebrations last for
fifteen days ending with the Lantern festival on the last day. Red clothes are
often worn. Red is considered a lucky color which will bring its wearer a bright
and sunny future. It’s bad luck to wear white during the festivities.
Food plays an important part in the New Year festivities. Traditional dishes
are prepared to share with family, friends and long dead ancestors. Noodles, left
uncut, represent long life. A whole fish, complete with the head, represents abundance.
The house should be cleaned before the new year begins and all debts should
be paid. At midnight on New Year’s Eve all the doors and windows must be
open to let the old year go out. Setting off fire crackers is a way of welcoming
the new year.
To celebrate the new year children are given lai see, small red envelopes containing
money which is believed will bring them good fortune.
Learn more about Chinese New Year
http://www.educ.uvic.ca/faculty/mroth/438/CHINA/chinese_new_year.html
Send a New Year’s e-card
http://www.101chinesenewyear.com/
Crafts for kids
http://canada.kidsdomain.com/holiday/chineseny.html
Lonely Planet guide to Beijing
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/worldguide/destinations/asia/china/beijing/
Official site of Beijing Olympics
http://en.beijing2008.cn/
Gung Hay Fat Choy!
May Prosperity Be With You!
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
How I Know
We
were acquaintances, both of us in the same book group. In the second novel we
read, the main character was adopted. His adoption turned out to be central to
the plot. I began my comments on the book by saying that I was an adoptive parent.
Later, she asked me how we’d come to adopt our daughter. She had a lot
of questions, but I’m used to that—people often do.
It was several more weeks before she confided that she’d recently suffered
a miscarriage, her third. She was exhausted, and overwhelmed by fertility treatments
that kept failing. She and her husband had talked about adoption, but…
I’ve heard that “but” before.
“You’re probably going to think I’m an awful person,”
she said. “But I can’t help worrying. What if it’s not the same?
It’s someone else’s baby. What if I didn’t feel the same way
as I would about a baby I gave birth to?”
“I think you would,” I said. “I couldn’t love Lauren
anymore if I had given birth to her. We couldn’t be any closer.”
She hesitated. “But she’s the only child you have. How do you know
that for sure?”
How do I know for sure?
I am in the lobby of the Wu Feng Hotel in Wuzhou, the city in Guangxi province
in southern China where my daughter was born. Even with the air conditioning the
humidity feels as though there is a heavy, wet blanket draped over my head and
shoulders.
I’m carrying Lauren on one hip, swaying side to side and singing softly
to her, something by Bryan Adams probably, although I don’t remember for
sure. The orphanage director walks over to say good-bye. She is a tiny woman,
not more than maybe five feet tall, regal in her bearing, imposing. I can see
by the way she smiles at the babies and gently touches their heads that she only
wants the best for them—loving parents, good homes. But she terrifies me.
She checks to see if I have a blanket with me and adjusts the baby’s sunhat.
She takes the bottle of formula out of my hand and frowns at the size of the hole
in the nipple. It feels as though she is always watching me, disapproving. I’m
exhausted, wheezing from what will turn out to be bronchitis. And I’ve never
felt so incompetent in my life. I have been a mother for five days.
The director smiles, holds out her arms and says something I don’t understand.
(The only Mandarin I know is the word for thank you, and whenever I say it everyone
laughs.) It’s easy to guess that she wants to hold Lauren one more time
before we leave.
Lauren shrinks against me, and clutches my shirt so tightly with both tiny
hands that she grabs the skin underneath too. Her dark eyes are wide with fear.
I can feel her heart beating against mine. She thinks I’m going to give
her back, I realize.
I wrap both of my arms around her, around my daughter. My daughter. And shake
my head no.
I’m probably being disrespectful to the director. She isn’t smiling
anymore. She says something else and holds out her arms again. I look around the
hotel lobby for a guide to translate, but both Roger and Louisa are busy at the
front desk.
I shake my head again. “No,” I say. The orphanage director and
I stare at each other. My legs are shaking. I feel like Gregory Peck at the showdown
of High Noon but I am not going to let go of this child. The director
says something that sounds angry, but maybe it isn’t. She turns and walks
away.
I kiss the top of Lauren’s head and touch her cheek with two fingers.
She relaxes, lays her head against my shoulder and smiles at me.
How do I know for sure?
I just do.
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
Deciding to Adopt
Part of the decision to adopt a child involves choosing between in-country and international adoption. In-country adoptions may be public or private. Public adoptions are arranged through provincial or state adoption services. Each province and state has different rules with respect to what type of private adoptions it allows, and what procedures have to be followed.
There are thousands of special needs children available to be adopted in Canada and the US, older children, children with psychological or physical problems, children who have been neglected and abused. Not everyone can be a parent to a special needs child. Not everyone wants to be. Many people want to adopt an infant, because a baby is less likely to have been abused and less likely to have serious emotional problems. A child less than a year old will probably have an easier time bonding with adoptive parents.
Some people choose a special needs child the second time they adopt, maybe because they have more confidence in their parenting. Deciding to become the parent of a special needs child means taking a deep look at your strengths, your skills, your biases, your weaknesses. Love heals many things, but not everything.
Some parents want the experience of raising a baby at least once, which is why so many are choosing international adoption. For political and cultural reasons, countries like China and Korea have thousands of healthy babies who need parents.
Many people who choose foreign adoption talk about the sense of urgency they feel. After years of fertility treatments, or of being with the wrong person or at the wrong place in their life, they don’t feel they have any time to waste. The chance to have a baby without years of waiting seems like a miracle to someone who has already been waiting for years.
It’s important to look at your attitudes about adoption and race before you start the process. How will you feel about your child being of a different ethnicity than you and other members of your family? How do you feel about knowing little or nothing about your child’s birth family? How will you answer your child’s questions about her origins or his birth family? If these issues make you feel uncomfortable, you need to think about your reasons before you go forward with an interracial or multi-ethnic adoption.
How will you handle prejudice? What will yousay to someone who asks an ignorant question? What will youdo when your child is put down, embarrassed, or called names? How do you feel about speaking out? You’ll be your child’s role model. If you don’t feel confident about your ability to take on that role, or to help your child deal with discrimination, there are counselors and courses that can support you and help you make the right decisions.
You feel what you feel. It’s not small-minded to admit your doubts. You need to think and talk about your own biases and attitudes before you can deal with other people’s. It can help to talk to someone who’s living whatever it is that scares you. I haven’t met any adoptive parents who aren’t willing to talk and to listen.
And it might help to know that when you really are someone’s parent, somehow you become stronger, braver and better than you were before. “I don’t want to be the poster mother for adoption,” I exclaimed to my husband, one frustrating day. He smiled and said, “Well, you are.”
Adoption has brought a lot of challenges to my life. And it’s also given me the most important person in my life. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Second Time Around ——
Montreal —— Saint John —— Deciding to Adopt —— Do You Have
Any Real Kids? How to Talk About Adoption —— How I Know —— Chinese
New Year
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